After my birthday celebration, I turned back into the old “me”, filled with positive vibes and energy. I was recovering from the surgeries and could feel I was getting stronger day by day. When I kept relooking at the images and videos of my party, I decided that I did want to share these moments with all my friends around the world and decided to build a website for that purpose.
However, my der friend Tara kept telling me to start writing a blog, and use this website to share my experiences … not only my cancer fight but also my travels. In the end, she convinced me and I started building the website with a friend in Vietnam.
La Nonna with her 4 grandchildren
Early February, my family and I had more travel plans, and I headed down to Italy for my grandmother’s 90th birthday. We wanted to celebrate this special birthday together with her and our Italian family in Brescia.
Spontaneously, I also decided to fly up to London for a 24hour pit stop to visit Richard and his wife Wendy, who were in the UK for business and who had come all the way from Australia. I wouldn’t have any time soon to travel to Australia and hence, wanted to take advantage of the opportunity. A short and tiring trip for 1 night / 1 dinner in London with my friends but it was definitively worth it. I finally gained back a bit of the independence that I had been missing, and loved being back in my routine jetsetter life.
On 8 February (2016), I had my next check up: another CT-scan at my lungs, chest and pelvis. And again I was brutally confronted with the situation of a set back. This time I had several new metastases on both lung sides (not only one side as previously), small new spots in my pelvis, and a new one in my 4th lumbar vertebra. I just couldn’t believe that within 6 weeks between the two scans the cancer had spread and grown so fast.
How did I feel? Looking back now I honestly don’t really know how I was able to remain calm and keep thinking clear. It was a shock indeed, but on the other side my gut feeling was already telling me that I wouldn’t have good news after the scan. All of a sudden it was clear why the pain had increased in my back over the past 2 weeks, it now started to make sense- the pain was caused by the growing metastasis in my lumbar vertebrae.
What I would like to add on at this point is that everyone knows their body the best. You realize and you know when something is wrong and unless you listen to what your body tries to communicate we may be missing out on big issues. Most times we talk about “my gut feeling is telling me….”, but in reality it isn’t anything different than listening to your inner body and soul. Every time I had a “gut feeling” related to my health (either positive or negative) I have always been right. So when I started having my back pain in January I told myself this is caused due to the long break of not walking with my prosthetic leg and my back muscles are not used to it, but the day I walked in to the CT scan I sort of had the feeling it wasn’t the reason.
Another (and probably a more significant) example: back in August 2014 during my recovery after the first surgery in Bangkok, I had noticed a lump on the side of my knee, which was growing and started to become painful. Instead of listening to my “inner gut feeling”, I rather listen to others who were saying it’s nothing and I am just overusing my leg after 3 months of repose. So I blamed it on the walking training at the gym, and decided not to get this checked at the hospital. Until today I blame myself for not listening to myself, as things could have gone completely different. Perhaps the cancerous tumor would have been recognized earlier, it wouldn’t have grown too big resulting in not undergoing an amputation and perhaps I wouldn’t be sitting here with metastatic cancer today. There are many things we do at that present moment because it is more comfortable, or because we don’t give it any importance, or we are too busy, whereas later on this one moment can turn to be the biggest mistake of our lives. Nevertheless, there are some people (and I do know a few) are specialists in ignoring and blocking off those signs of changes, and do not like to be confronted with any unpleasant situations.
By now I got to terms with the situation as it is, but once in a while I still do catch myself asking “what if….” ?
So don’t get me wrong here: don’t start running to a doctor for every small little thing with the fear it could be something serious, as you don’t live anymore. But listen to what your body tells you… and don’t necessarily be influenced by others who don’t know your body and soul at all. I don’t blame anyone but myself (at least a little bit).
To summarize my points:
- Listen to your body and soul – you know it best!
- Don’t blame others for your own choices or mistakes – it is your own decision!
- Don’t ignore and block yourself out from listening to your own body and soul
Some cuddles with Winnie