I am finally getting to the most recent treatments that I am currently undergoing. As my doctor always says (and I quote): “Let’s see if we can find another option in our grab bag”. And indeed he did.

After the diagnosis of my last CT-scan my doctor immediately suggested to do irradiations of the 3 larger metastasis to slow down their growth. Additionally, a chemotherapy with new cytotoxic agents was suggested by several doctors and I immediately agreed to go ahead. Within 24 hours we had everything planned for the new treatments.

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Prici’s 30th birthday

Upon my return from Berlin, I started with my second cycle of chemotherapy and was handling it very well with almost no side effects. Besides losing my hair again I was feeling fit and energized. I was able to celebrate my friend Prici’s 30^th birthday and attend her family brunch, as well as her party in the evening. Being able to do the things I like, like visiting friends I wanted to see and having a little bit of independency made me feel immensely fulfilled again.

At the same time my orthopedic technicians realized that the rental time for the provisory leg was expiring and we needed to look at the final prosthetic leg for me. However, there was one more issue to overcome with the health insurance company. They insisted on me doing the rehab where I would have to have specific walking training and test different legs. Since I was handling the chemo well, I decided to start with an ambulant rehab simultaneously.

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Well, where are we at now? After my new diagnosis, we had to come up with a new treatment plan, and I anxiously waited until a final decision was taken.

Having now several new metastases in my lung (and not single ones that we could remove surgically as before), I was told for the first time that at this point I don’t have a “healing chance” anymore, a nice way of saying “sorry, you are not going to survive your cancer illness”.

What emotions go through someone’s mind when being told such a thing? To be very honest, I don’t really remember how I felt and what I felt. I do however remember that I neither cried nor felt sad. I was still pumped with all that positive energy that I had absorbed at my birthday, and I was more motivated to fight than ever! I told my doctor here in Stuttgart: “Give me the tools to fight, and I will do so!”

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After my birthday celebration, I turned back into the old “me”, filled with positive vibes and energy. I was recovering from the surgeries and could feel I was getting stronger day by day. When I kept relooking at the images and videos of my party, I decided that I did want to share these moments with all my friends around the world and decided to build a website for that purpose.

However, my der friend Tara kept telling me to start writing a blog, and use this website to share my experiences … not only my cancer fight but also my travels. In the end, she convinced me and I started building the website with a friend in Vietnam.

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Many of us have mixed feelings when making the change from the 20s to the 30s, and originally I was very excited to plan my 30^th birthday. Already in 2014 when I was still living in Bangkok I was making plans on how to celebrate my 30^th (even though it was 2 years away). I had this idea of inviting my closest friends and family over to Thailand and perhaps booking a small boutique resort for a weekend.

Already in September (2015) my family started asking me what I wanted to do for my 30^th birthday in January, and to be honest that’s when I realized my plans were not feasible anymore and my disappointment was increasing. I started pushing the thought of my birthday aside, and I didn’t want to talk about it.

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Weeks went by and I was recovering from the surgery: the chest pain was getting less and less, day by day, however, my coughing remained.

In early December I got a call from my dear friend Danilo who recently got married and had baby girl twins in August. His Moroccan wife and family organized a sort of wedding and baptism ceremony for their girls in Marrakech, and invited me as I am honored to be one of the godmothers of the baby girls. I was totally excited to make a trip to Marrakech, but I required the permission of my lung surgeon first. Hence, I sent him immediately an email and shortly after he responded with positive news that I was allowed to take a flight.    Continue reading

Whilst recovering from my very last chemo, I underwent the biggest disappointment and heart-breaking experience in my life. Additionally, that fear of a reoccurrence is something that starts to grow in the back of your mind.

Until this point, I had never felt the need to speak to a psychologist, but under these circumstances I thought I would give it a try.

In early October I had my first check up since July: a lung CT-scan. I knew that these scans every 2 months would dominate my life for the next two years, and there would be always be the fear of a setback. My worst nightmare came true: a big spot was found on my left lung. Why do I not seem to have any luck at all, and every at every single check up something new reveals itself? There was a moment of panicking from all sides, and the doctors urged me to immediately operate and have this “possible metastasis” removed. Hence we started planning the surgery, which we decided to do in Freiburg as this the home to one of the best thorax surgeons.

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