Reflecting on the things I have done the “last time”

I woke up this morning thinking about the things I have been doing over the past years, and the things I haven’t been able to do since I got sick.

It is incredible how much such an illness affects your day-to-day life, and how you suddenly have to adapt with the situation.

I would simply like to share a few thoughts that came into my mind in the past two years, and perhaps someone who may be in a similar situation or may understand what I am trying to say.

1. My last day without crutches

On 18 April 2014, before going to the hospital for my swollen knee was the last time I actually walked around without any crutches. Even though it was a painful walk, I never imagined that I would leave the hospital that night with crutches because the bone (in my tibia) was weakened due to the tumor and doctors were worried I may get a fracture. I even got a quick introduction on how to use them. At that point I thought I may have to use them only for a few months, but I never imagined that 2 years later they are still by my side daily.

2. Last time wearing high heels
   

   One of my favorites…

I love my high heels, even though I am not that kind of person who likes to go to work with them. I like it more comfortable: ballerinas, moccasins and sneakers. But when I go out I love my high heels, and I love my designer shoes. Unfortunately, when I buy high heels they are usually very high (10-12 cm of heels), and hence I only wear them occasionally. On 13 April 2014 (so only 4 days before I had my swollen knee for the first time), I went for a Sunday brunch with friends at the Four Seasons Hotel in Bangkok: the last day I actually wore high heels. You may find this odd, but for a shoe lover like me I keep thinking of all my beautiful shoes I am no longer able to wear.

For the amputees amongst you: don’t worry, there are prosthetic legs with which you can wear high heels up to 7-8 cm (and for the experts even higher), but it requires allot of training. There is hope for those who are healthy amputees!

3. Last time in a bikini with both limbs
   

   My last bikini picture with both limbs

I already mentioned this in my second blog (The Calm before the Storm) that in July 2014 was the last day I have been lying by the pool in a bikini with both limbs. Since my illness I haven’t been much in the sun anymore, beside a few hours in our garden in Germany or Italy, but I haven’t been lying in public before. There is nothing to feel shameful about, but it has been taking me a while for me to get used to the fact that people keep staring at you. At the beginning I have always tried to “hide” my prosthetic leg, but I soon changed my attitude and started not to give a shit about what others think. In about 4 weeks time, I will be in the Maldives and for the first time lying on a beach in bikini again amongst strangers and other hotel guests. Let’s see how this goes… will give you an update on that one too!

4. Last time playing golf
   

   Golf in Siem Reap, Cambodia (2013)

Well, this was actually a while back, as I didn’t have any friends playing golf with in Bangkok. The last time on the golf course was in Cambodia / Siem Reap during our family holiday over New Years 2012/13. I have never been a pretty good player, even though I started playing at the age of 8 years. Under different circumstances and if I manage to train my balance on my prosthetic leg, I would be able to play golf again, but at the present situation it is not possible. Who knows maybe I am able to golf a bit on a driving range soon once I get my new prosthetic leg?

5. Last time playing tennis
   

   Tennis camp with the team in Mallorca (2005)

Tennis has always been my favorite sports to play, and this is probably the one I am missing the most since I became ill. I started playing tennis at the age of 6 years, and actually never stopped until I moved overseas. I played in a team in our tennis club, spent many tennis camps with my team players and always had great fun together. In Bangkok I finally had the opportunity to play a bit again, and I was keen to start doing it regularly again. I bought a new tennis racket and shoes, and then ended up playing only a few times before I got sick. This is definitively something I am regretting the most. But guess what? My rehab team heard about it, and is offering me 2 times weekly to play table tennis (not exactly the same as tennis), but it brightens my days doing something I like. It helps me to learn balancing on my prosthetic leg, and my goal is to be able to stand on the tennis court with a trainer playing a few balls for at least 20 minutes. Perhaps I am able to fulfill one of my other wishes and goals?

6. Last time skiing
   

   Last skiing trips (2009)

Uhh, this is a tough one, as I love skiing and have been on the slopes since the age of 6 years, but the last time I went for ski was quite a while back. This was in the Winter of 2008/2009 with my family before moving to the hot exotic places such as Oman, Vietnam and Thailand. That winter I even bought new skiing boots, and only worr them 2 or 3 times. I knew that skiing would be the most difficult sports to do again as an amputee, especially if you want to ski with your prosthetic leg.

Alternative you do three-track skiing where you use one full-size ski and two handheld outriggers for balance/support giving the skier three points of contact with the snow. My goal, however, was to ski with my prosthetic leg if one day I would be cured and have enough practice. Apparently, this is quite difficult though and requires several years to achieve it. It took me a long time to accept the fact I won’t be able to ski anymore.

There are more things that will come into my mind, but these were the main points I struggles with when I realized that my leg would get amputated. Adapting and finding alternatives that you can do is important to keep your spirits up, and set future goals keeps to keep you motivated. Nothing is impossible, and all can be done if your health and fitness allows it. So go for it and get inspired on what you want to achieve!